Crashing

It is now official. My mom is married, and I live in Tooele. Things have been so crazy lately, I don't know where to start. I just had a basic meltdown over school, my low self-esteem when it comes to math, and my total confusion of everything relating to life. What can I do though? I might be getting a job soon, and that will help to break up the monotony of my every day life. But I am not sure if that will work out yet. I have a headache right now from crying so much... I feel like such a child, to cry over so much stupidity. I keep listening to Waves, hoping it will help calm me. Not much luck in that department, although it does help remind me. It reminds me of what I've lost, and what I've gained. I know that you probably don't know much about what I am going to talk about next, but please bear with me. I need to talk about it. Have you ever wanted something so badly, and know that you could never have it again? That is how I feel about hugs. One kind of hug in particular, actually. The kind of hug that you get from your dad, strong and warm. Making you believe that nothing will ever hurt you. I am never going to have that again. I realized that a little while ago, but it never really hit me until tonight about what that means. It means that I've lost my Polaris. My guiding star. Yes, it is true that I still have my mom, but it isn't the same. My mom has done so much for me and my sisters, but I have no way to repay that debt. One day I might find a way. But for now, I am stuck in Tooele, without people that I can know and belong with, without an anchor in this troubled time. I read some where that girls who have lost their fathers are most likely to date at a younger age. I understand that. I want someone to protect me, to be my eternal friend. I want the love that can only come of that kind of relationship. I know, I am just rambling now.... But I don't know what else to say. I think it is a good thing that I am going to the doctors tomorrow. Maybe my doctor can up my anti-depressant meds. I swear this isn't normal, to feel as if the ceiling will crush you at a moment's notice. My brain is getting scrambled... I guess I'll go to bed now.